I am a list writer. Things I need in my wardrobe, food we need in the cupboards, to-do lists every day. I must have read that if you write it down you will make it happen. Plan the life you want and how you aim to get it and it will happen. But this is not happening for me. I know that this doesn’t happen for a lot of people.

While clearing through mounds of books and papers recently I discovered that my partner has been literally planning, through writing, scattegrams and mindmaps, a better life and relationships for years, not just once but over and over – years worth of plans. All the things we discuss now together with honesty and full hearted excitement, I realised with sadness he has planned and dreamed of all of this before in his former life. He is an articulate, imaginative, clever and hardworking person. So what stopped him actually just doing it?

I can honestly say I don’t know for sure what stops the dreams and schemes we all have from becoming just repeated words on pages. It’s sad to realise that unless we all do something extra-ordinary, and take an uncomfortable chance, life really is just Groundhog Day.

If I think about how I used to dream of better relationships, a better lifestyle, and better work it becomes visible to me. It is not fear. It is not bad luck nor errors of judgement. It is the people we surround ourselves with. The ones that unintentionally keep us small and take, and take again, because it suits them.

In the UK if you have a big idealistic mind and you tell people about it, it is rarely cultivated and admired, one becomes a dreamer or a boaster. Totally in opposition to Americans who seem to love and embrace people with big dreams; the bigger the better. They love dare-to-do’ers and winners. Here we love to lose; it allows us the self pity that we had ‘prepared earlier’.

One of my parents would always say ‘oh you don’t want to do that’ ‘why would you risk that?’ ‘It’s too soon’ ‘Its too late’. Then, as I got older, subsequent partners who liked life as it was (usually at my expense in one way or another) did exactly the same.

I am not historically blaming the people around me. No I am blaming myself for listening to them. I have recently broken off from associates, and fallen out with older members of my family because I have learned to claim my space, literally. I cant deal with their problems for them and trying to do so has been holding me back from moving forward. So I have become selfish. I will own that one because I don’t feel guilty: I need space from the nay-sayers and I don’t need the toxicity of my past in my present.

Resisting the urge to proclaim over and over that my life is brilliant is hard. I have so little in terms of finances and wealth. But my goodness, I am physically more healthy than ever, mentally getting stronger everyday, and I am putting myself out of my comfort zone to achieve greater things.

Procrastination does not work for anyone. Claiming your space to allow you to get on with whatever IT is, does.

NOT procrastinating!

Best Friends

I had a best friend once. She and I had so much in common at the age of 11. Her father was absent, I wished mine was. Her Mum was a resilient matriarch who made everyone feel welcome. Everyone was welcome at her small, damp and basic house; built before the freeway that roared traffic constantly passed the front room window.

No one was welcome at my home. My father once pronounced that you can count the number of friends you have on one hand, that no one I considered a friend really was. Neither my Dad or my Mum had friends. No one visited and no one was welcome. But my best friend and I snuck in during the school lunch break. We carried on writing physical letters to one another during the school holidays: her tales of Dreamland Margate and the rides and mine of spending the whole summer either locked indoors in our home, or sat in the car with my Sister while our Dad serviced customers TVs. My Mum at this point was a working Mum.

We went through life experiences, exams, first loves and first jobs together. Then we drifted apart, although never in spirit. I worked in the West End and was full of my own self importance whilst she worked locally and learned to drive, then became a body builder competitor. We lost touch for a couple of years during which time I had married, had babies prematurely and experienced the utter desperate pain of my firstborn son dying in my arms at two days old. As my first marriage fell apart I sought her out and we became awesome best friends as if no time had ever passed. She had not married yet and was a high flyer driving a top spec Mercedes, her own house, huge salary, incredibly sexually free and wow, how I envied her identity. She envied mine ironically, two beautiful and bright babies under three who loved their new ‘auntie’.

I introduced my best friend to her husband and it was me who suggested she might be pregnant when she came back from honeymoon, wondering why she felt sick and bloated. We shared so much. I could tell her anything and everything: a sister, a love, a friend, confidante, a beautiful spirit that enjoyed being with me and my family.

Change was inevitable. She moved in a much more flamboyant circle. I could not keep up financially with weekends away, holidays, nights out. I was going through a terrible break-up and had a final straw moment when I knew I had to move away and take control of mine and my children’s lives (three aged under 6).

Saying goodbye on the moving day was so painful. How we cried. Her husband amused at this outpouring of grief pointed out we would see each other again, I was only a motorway away. There are two times in my life that I have felt these tears: when I moved and said goodbye to her, and when my second Son, my only Son, went off to University. How I cried, I knew it was the last time he would ‘live’ at home. On both occasions I was totally bereft.

I was right to feel that way. Things were never the same. My Son never moved back home and she and I saw each other less and less. Then she had her news. Cancer. She had cancer. We cried together, we cried separately, we cried and cried.

Eventually her way of dealing with ‘it’ was to disconnect from me. At this period my own life was out of control, failing relationships after giving them my all. Desperate weight loss and upheaval, which my poor pre-teen children all experienced with me. Sad times. I had a cup full of woe while she dealt with the deathly cup with new friends who didn’t know her history. She could be who she needed to be I guess. My Son would often tell me to get back in touch when a month turned into several, and then into a year. We had time I always thought, completely oblivious to the severity of the cancer and its advancement.

I decided to google her name to see if she was on Facebook, as I didn’t have it. Her name brought up an “In Memoriam” page. I remember staring at my laptop and thinking, what the … , what the ???? Does this mean she had died. Tears flowed for days which turned into weeks. I could smell her perfume and hear her voice. I still can. I miss the smell of her pretty blond hair when we hugged. I miss her utterly and some days it takes me by surprise and it physically hurts. I never thought I would have another best friend, I didn’t deserve one.

But I do have a best friend. I have told him more than I ever got a chance to tell her. He is so good at reading my moods and needs that I feel totally blessed to have found this wonderful life partner. He knows me in the same way that she knew me. We laugh, we cry, we sit in silence (happily) and sometimes we talk incessantly.

So my own Father may well be right about how many friends we have in our lifetime. But I would rather have had the two best friends I have, than dozens of ‘friends’ who don’t drop in or ‘get me’ without me having to explain and justify. I have learnt a lesson in that we must truly value real friendship – real in the way that you utterly miss that person when they are doing something else. We must love and be loved in this life.

It is the Anniversary of her passing and today I am thinking about all the funny and painful moments we shared. She was a massive part of my life and I miss her terribly. To my best friend A, I truly loved you x